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The Ferguson Report: Can the virus survive close contact with Trump?

HIPPIES FINED FOR HERD IN NUDITY

NSW Police fined people for breaching coronavirus rules at a nudist beach.

The cops were called to Tyagarah beach, just north of Byron Bay (“Land of the Rising Methane”), where it is legal to flaunt a human body so long as it is your own.

The dancers stopped dancing, though some body parts kept swinging.

The police saved time by avoiding a strip search.

One partygoer was fined for exposing his naked ambition. “I’m merely exercising my right.

And my left, back and front.”

TRUMP VOTERS NEW TACTIC – STOP BIDEN VOTERS

Thousands of US Republicans are preparing to storm the election ballot box barricades with their own bigger barricades.

During the recent presidential debate cage-fight, Donald Trump encouraged his voters to monitor the election with extreme prejudice.

A Trump voter armed to the teethlessness said, “Why die for democracy when we can kill for it?”

One Democrat voter has a clever tactic for sneaking past the monitor-militia. “The safest way to vote for Biden is to do it wearing a Trump T-shirt. Also, to vote for Trump.”

Meanwhile, Trump is doing his best to avoid winning. In 2016, Hillary Clinton got millions more votes than Trump, which is no way to win elections.

American democracy said, “I can’t breathe.”

ANDREWS LIFTS CURFEW IN SNEAKY ACT OF SUB-TOTALITARIANISM

Conspiracy theorists were outraged when Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews lifted his crazy COVID curfew on Monday.

Andrews was called “Kim Jong-Dan” and “Dan Vader” by two half-arsed activists (who together make one complete arse).

One of the buttocks said, “My freedom to complain about my freedom being taken away has been taken away!”

SPRINGTIME FOR PROUD BOYS

US President Donald Trump denies knowing about the anti-antifascist group, ‘Proud Boys’, a strutting squabble of Yeah-Nah-Nazis.

Trump told the Proud Boys to “stand back and stand by, put your right foot in and shake it all about.”

Before he could do the Hokey-Pokey, Trump interrupted his interruption by interrupting.

A nutsy Nazi beergutter smelling of burnt book rejected Trump’s order. “I won’t be told to stand back, stand by or stand still. Especially by someone who spends most of his time lying flatly.”

Proud Boys identify as male/he/Himmler.

In other news…

  • TRUMP CONTRACTS ‘TOTALLY HARMLESS’ VIRUS
  • QUEENSLAND STRUGGLING TO FIND VICTORIAN BORDER
  • AMERICAN TRIED TO YELL AT TV, “BUT THE TV KEPT YELLING AT ME!”
  • MAN FIGHTING UNISEX TOILETS DIDN’T REALISE CUBICLES HAVE A DOOR
  • ‘KAREN’ COUGHS TO SHORTEN QUEUE AT CHECKOUT
  • COCKROACHES DIDN’T REALISE THEY WOULD BE RULING EARTH SO SOON

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

The post <i>The Ferguson Report</i>: Can the virus survive close contact with Trump? appeared first on The New Daily.

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