ALBANESE PUT HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MASK IS
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese refuses to instigate mask mandates because people might find it too sensible.
A government spokeswoman said: “To stop COVID, PM Albanese is determined to do everything in his power, apart from anything in his power.”
The PM attempted to show a little backbone but it looked like his bare buttocks.
“Governments are not elected to force the public to obey, and if people choose not to wear a mask that’s entirely up to me.”
The PM has agreed to give $750 to people who catch COVID whether they wear a mask or not.
A spokesman living in a plastic bubble said: “This is not an incentive to avoid wearing a mask. But $750 sure makes it tempting.”
MORRISON SACRAMENTAL WHINE HAS A HINT OF SOUR GRAPES
Former PM Scott Morrison has encouraged putting faith in God, not government. He didn’t explain why he never mentioned it before.
“We don’t trust in governments,” said the former leader of the government.
“We don’t trust in United Nations,” said the man who united a nation against him.
Morrison said: “God has secured your future.” (He didn’t mention the bit where you die.)
The Australian military expressed their relief: “This is perfect timing. We’ll save a fortune on those non-existent submarines.”
Taxpayers will now be known as Tithe-payers.
Morrison said he believes God still has plans for him.
He doesn’t find that at all threatening.
GREENS TELL AUSTRALIA TO GO COAL TURKEY
The best weapon against democracy is democracy, according to the Greens Political Party To End All Parties.
Greens leader Adam Bandt demands Australia jump on the Bandtwagon.
Bandt told the ABC he wants Labor’s climate change laws to be made “Dutton-proof”, meaning a future democratically elected government will have no power to change the laws.
“That’s what laws are for,” said a Greens Party Branch twig.
“The voters can’t be trusted, so once we Dutton-proof Australia, we’ll Australian-proof Australia.”
Labor’s plans to approve new coal mines were condemned by Bandt.
“You don’t put the fire out while you’re pouring petrol on it.” he said.
“You’re right,” said Labor. “We’ll pour the petrol first.”
In other news…
- MAYDAY! AS QANTAS PLANE RUNS OUT OF WOOLIES’ FUEL FLY-BUYS
- FOOT & MOUTH OUTBREAK LINKED TO GYMPIE MAN WHO MARRIED COW IN BALI
- BOOK JUDGED BY ITS COVER RECEIVES LONG SENTENCE
- TARONGA ZOO TRYING TO GET ENDANGERED HONEST POLITICIANS TO BREED
- ‘OMICRON SUBVARIANTS’ USED AS TAUNTING NICKNAME FOR ANTIVAXXERS
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