America refuses to confirm or deny its refusal to confirm or deny plans to station B-52 nuclear bombers in a Darwin love shack.
US Colonel H. Highpants said enigmatically, “We prefer to be left to our own explosive devices.”
A spokeswoman for the Department of Defence said: “Americans are divided into two camps. Conspiracy-guzzling, gun-sucking fascists or commo-loving, tree-fondling cannabinoids. But don’t worry, they’ll come to Australia’s rescue, if they haven’t killed each other.”
The US ambassador to Australia, Caroline Kennedy (no relation to Doug and Irma Kennedy of Manangatang) said the US will support Pacific peace through diplomacy, dialogue and a s–t-load of B-52 bombers.
A climate change activist standing beside a B-52 said, “At last – an issue I can really glue myself to!”
RBA raises rates by as much as they can comfortably afford
The Reserve Bank of Australia has defended giving your money to the banks.
“We’re trying to stop ‘inflation’ without causing ‘deflation’. This is like stripping without causing nudity.”
A Reserve Bank apologist said, “We’re caught between being in a fog and not having the foggiest. If we get it wrong, the economy will be completely fogged.”
Treasurer Jim Chalmers has labelled inflation, “the dragon we need to slay”. And furthermore, if it’s an inflatable dragon it should be easier to slay.
Robo-debt royal commission scraping the bot of the barrel
The architects of the robo-debt scheme are being interrogated by robots because it serves them right.
A zero-sum gamer said, “You shouldn’t have used the algorhythm method.”
Robo-debt was the brainchild of a nonentity found in the wheelie-bin of history.
“Scott Morrison” is clearly a ridiculous made-up name to cover the identity of the real culprit.”
The investigation will continue until Waleed Ali asks them to stop.
Gamblers too busy gambling to notice new gambling warnings
The Albanese government has unveiled new restrictions on gambling ads without in any way restricting gambling ads.
Gamblers are outraged and are planning to wager war.
The ‘gamble responsibly’ tagline will be replaced with new oxymorons. The new ‘gamble accurately’ campaign will feature superstars Bet Midler, Bet Davis and Bet Boop.
Despite the deluge of gambling cash in sport, sportspeople won’t be corrupted.
An appy app said, “There is no ‘I’ in ‘intrinsically immoral iniquity’.”
In other news …
FEROCIOUS LIONS ACCIDENTALLY PUT BACK IN A CAGE FULL OF FEROCIOUS LIONS
THOUSANDS FLY TO EGYPT CLIMATE SUMMIT TO SAVE PLANET
VEGAN KEEPS TELLING DINNER GUESTS HOW TASTY VEGAN FOOD IS, AS IF THAT’S NOT SUSPICIOUS
JOYCE TELLS QANTAS CRITICS TO KISS HIS SMALL BAG OF PEANUTS
LNP, ALP GIVE BIPARTISAN SUPPORT TO IGNORING MALCOLM TURNBULL
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