The classic political novel 1984 will be rewritten by Inclusion And Diversity specialists who think they know better than George Orwell.
The character Big Brother will be known as Middle Sibling.
The authoritarian totalitarian government is reduced to two hipsters arguing over the temperature of their porridge.
It’s cold.
Meanwhile, Roald Dahl’s children’s books are being rewritten to exorcise language publisher Puffin deems offensive.
“We changed Augustus Gloop to ‘enormous’ instead of ‘fat’,” said a publisher who identifies as a delete button.
“Because it’s okay to be enormous, but it’s not okay to be fat.”
The Oompa Loompas are now gender neutral. So all young people can dream of unpaid factory jobs with no workers compo.
In The Witches, when the witches are revealed as bald beneath their wigs, the publishers have added, “There is certainly nothing wrong with that.”
This is followed by an 18-page treatise on why Will Smith was right to slap Chris Rock.
Millennial munchkins said, “Shame on Roald Dahl for being born before us.”
Because the English language is loaded with historical imperialism, Roald Dahl books will now be printed in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Oddly, the language cleaners have been too busy changing the genders in children’s books to edit Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf.
Peter Dutton is not a fan of proposed superannuation changes.
DUTTON WARNS GOVT’S SUPER PLANS MAY STOP BATTLERS BUYING THEIR OWN ISLANDS
Opposition Leader Peter ‘I Got Plenty Of’ Dutton will block any attempts to remove tax breaks for struggling Aussies who somehow have amassed multimillion-dollar superannuation accounts.
But Treasurer Jim Chalmers (from a long line of Chalmers) says if the rich aren’t mugged, the multi-trillion dollar super system risks becoming unsustainable.
So relax!
These two geniuses, who fundamentally disagree on everything, have your financial future in their panicky, slippery, Push-Me-Impoverish-You fingers.
ASTON VOTERS WILL VOTE ON APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
Seriously.
The date was set by House of Representatives Speaker Milton Dick (who has heard all the jokes about extreme heat and nudity).
“April Fools’ Day is serious,” said an electoral liability. “Only later will the elected candidate become a joke at your expense.”
The Liberal candidate promises to learn where Aston is if she wins.
In other news…
QANTAS POSTS HUGE PROFIT, INTROS ‘BYO OXYGEN MASK’
PUTIN MEETS TOP CHINESE DIPLOMAT IN SKULL-SHAPED FORTRESS ON INVISIBLE ISLAND
HUGE METAL BALL WASHED UP ON JAPANESE BEACH MAY BE NORTH KOREAN SPY BALLOON
WOOLIES TO FIX $1b IN STAFF UNDERPAYMENTS BY GETTING RID OF STAFF
VEGANS OK WITH HEART DISEASE FROM ADDITIVES IN PLANT BURGERS IF THEY TASTE LESS LIKE DIRT
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